


Pink Carnations

by lesbianjunnie (chenxingluvr)



Category: NCT (Band), NCT Dream
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, I have no idea what I got out of writing this, M/M, Mark Lee (NCT)-centric, Mentioned Suh Youngho | Johnny, Sad, Sad Mark Lee (NCT), Stressed Mark Lee (NCT), idol!mark lee, markren, regrets ig, self-indulgent tbh, taeyong appearance, this is just really sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-19
Updated: 2020-08-19
Packaged: 2021-03-06 01:40:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,526
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25985287
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chenxingluvr/pseuds/lesbianjunnie
Summary: I really thought we would make it, that we could make it together.
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun & Mark Lee, Huang Ren Jun/Mark Lee, markren - Relationship
Comments: 14
Kudos: 33





	Pink Carnations

**Author's Note:**

> I made this bc there was a blackout so uuuh don't expect much?? idk idk I read this once and deemed it okay, I got too anxious to let anyone proofread it for me and if I did it myself I wouldn't even be publishing this hhh

It's funny how I ended up here, stadium full, yet heart so empty. I gave up everything I had, everything I wanted, everything I 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘥, but now I wonder.

𝙬𝙖𝙨 𝙞𝙩 𝙬𝙤𝙧𝙩𝙝 𝙞𝙩 ?

The piercing screams of a thousand people, the bright lights, the speakers booming my voice, resonating throughout the entire venue, eyes lost in a sea of different faces, I look beyond and see a thousand more—all cheering.

𝙞𝙨 𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙨 𝙖𝙡𝙡 𝙬𝙤𝙧𝙩𝙝 𝙞𝙩?

I ask myself but I'm too busy to answer the thought as I rush backstage again, being dragged from here to there by different people, being handed different clothes, my face wiped of sweat and make-up retouched, I couldn't be thinking of these things now—𝘯𝘰. I shouldn't even be thinking of them at all, not when there's a crowd waiting for me to entertain. I chose this life.

𝙩𝙝𝙚𝙧𝙚'𝙨 𝙣𝙤 𝙩𝙞𝙢𝙚 𝙩𝙤 𝙨𝙩𝙤𝙥 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙣𝙠.

"To the world! We are NCT!"

"Hi guys it's Mark!"

I say, tracing back to the practiced lines I've said over and over again that I have it ingrained into my memory, it's the same thing I've been doing for years—still I can't stop to finish these thoughts once more as I'm cut off by the loud cheering.

𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙨 𝙞𝙨 𝙬𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙄 𝙘𝙝𝙤𝙨𝙚.

"Mark you looked out of it again today" I look up from my hotel bed to Taeyong—our leader— he doesn't look pissed but I'm sure our manager must have yelled his head off because of me.

"I'm sorry.. I just have a lot of things on my mind lately" 

"Is it about-"

"Will you stop thinking that everytime I'm in my head it's about him? It's not about him! Stop bringing it up will you?"

"I didn't say..."

The room is suddenly silent and I can see Taeyong eyes soften, my heart is beating in my ears, I process the embarrassment that's starting to settle in, my fists are balled up gripping onto the sheets til my knuckles turn white, I exhale.

"I- I didn't mean to shout, I'm sorry hyung"

Although I know he means well, I hate the way his eyes look at me like I'm something to be pitied, it's pathetic, it's been years yet my heart still strains everytime I remember, these concerts are supposed to distract me but all it does is make me rethink every decision I've ever made leading up to who I chose to become now, it sounds so wrong—𝘐 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸— to be using something that I claim to be genuinely passionate about, an experience that's a happy memory to some as a distraction for my own messed up feelings, but I can't help it when my heart still thinks— 𝘩𝘰𝘱𝘦𝘴 that one day he'll show up and I'll spot his eyes in the midst of the multitude of people and it leaves me unnerved, up all night preoccupied with vivid images of what could be.

Taeyong sits next to me and puts an arm around my shoulder, I assume he's trying to comfort me but it's making me feel even more miserable than I already am.

"Mark, I'm- you know I'm always here for you, so please talk to me or if not me then Johnny. It's okay, your heart will sort itself out one day"

He stands up and walks out of my hotel room and I'm left to wallow in my misery. My head feels like it's been dunked under a freezing lake, I feel suffocated, like I can't escape and maybe that's true. 𝘏𝘦 would always be encapsulated in my memories, icy enough to freeze me, not enough to sink me, cold enough to numb me from time to time, but still there existing and killing me slowly.

I was only eleven when I met him, short, small, pretty eyes, long lashes, pink lips, dark ebony hair that framed his baby face just right and a dazzling smile, he was ethereal, like porcelain china, like he wasn't made to grace the evil world in which we live in, oh how I still remember how his eyes sparkled with purity, head filled with curious thoughts and it was like whenever I looked at him I could see us walking hand in hand down the flowery path to a happy end.

Maybe it would have been a reality if we hadn't met as trainees trying to become idols, but nonetheless I wanted to be close to him, so through the grueling training and sleepless nights we grew inseparable and the beauty I saw in him grew too. I saw him through every rough time, I saw him at his lowest, I saw him when he shined, I watched him bloom like a flower, in the practice rooms I watched his every move, his body moving like flowing water, his dance capturing eyes, his voice as beautiful as he was, like the sound of cherry blossom falling in spring.

I was falling in love like a fool but so was he. 

Nights of practicing became late night kisses and day offs became dates, closed doors were our sanctuary, just him and me, us against the world.

There we were, just us, limbs entangled together, hair a mess, snuggling each other for warmth in the cold October night, I looked into his eyes and I saw the entire universe, just like when we first met, he too stared at me—dazed— he was as lost in my eyes as I was to his, I pulled him closer as if he wasn't close enough.

"𝘐 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶"

I really thought we would make it, that we could make it together.

Then evaluation came.

I guess things never work out for the best, sometimes things happen, they happen even if you don't want it to, they happen because it has to, it's cruel, but it's how the universe works, it gets worse and 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘴𝘦.

"𝘏𝘶𝘢𝘯𝘨 𝘙𝘦𝘯𝘫𝘶𝘯 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘯𝘰 𝘭𝘰𝘯𝘨𝘦𝘳 𝘢 𝘵𝘳𝘢𝘪𝘯𝘦𝘦 𝘢𝘵 𝘚𝘔 𝘌𝘯𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘵𝘢𝘪𝘯𝘮𝘦𝘯𝘵"

I wish I had done something, I wanted to comfort him so bad, to rush next to him and let his head rest on my chest and let his tears soak into my shirt.

I could see the fat drops of salty tears falling from his eyes down to the floor of the practice room, the deafening silence that followed amplified the sound of his tears that hit the tiled concrete as the only thing he could do was look down.

"𝘐 𝘶𝘯𝘥𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘯𝘥"

But I couldn't, I didn't get it, why? Why him of all people? I wanted to scream, I wanted to yell how unfair it was yet my lips were sealed shut, I saw him follow the instructor out of the practice room, then the room filled with buzz, some as shocked as I was and some sighed in relief that it wasn't them.

That day I ignored everything, I continued practicing even though my heart wrenched in guilt, my phone buzzed in my bag in the corner of the room but I refused to look at it, I continued practicing until I couldn't anymore, I stared at myself in the mirror my chest was heaving, the clock read 12 AM, it glared at me in bright red, only then did I close the practice room's door and leave.

The moment I entered the dorms I saw him waiting for me at the front door, I could see the tears still gleaming in his eyes

"𝘔𝘢𝘳𝘬-"

I could hear how broken his voice was.

"𝘔𝘢𝘳𝘬 𝘸𝘩𝘺 𝘥𝘪𝘥𝘯'𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘢𝘯𝘴𝘸𝘦𝘳 𝘮𝘺 𝘵𝘦𝘹𝘵𝘴"

The sob in his voice crushed my my heart.

"𝘔𝘢𝘳𝘬 𝘱𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘦"

He held my hand so tight, I can still feel it ghost mine.

"𝘔𝘢𝘳𝘬 𝘺𝘰𝘶'𝘥 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘦 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘳𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵? 𝘞𝘦 𝘤𝘢𝘯 𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘳𝘵 𝘢𝘨𝘢𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘰𝘨𝘦𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳, 𝘸𝘦'𝘭𝘭 𝘮𝘢𝘬𝘦 𝘪𝘵 𝘵𝘰𝘨𝘦𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘸𝘦 𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘮𝘪𝘴𝘦𝘥"

I hated the way I looked away from him and gave him silence.

"𝘠𝘰𝘶'𝘥 𝘤𝘩𝘰𝘰𝘴𝘦 𝘮𝘦 𝘳𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵? 𝘠𝘰𝘶 𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘮𝘪𝘴𝘦𝘥 𝘮𝘦"

Every second I stood there silent I hate myself for.

"𝘔𝘢𝘳𝘬 𝘸𝘩𝘺 𝘸𝘰𝘯'𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘢𝘯𝘴𝘸𝘦𝘳 𝘮𝘦"

I can still hear the desperation in his voice, his voice laced with the hope I'd given him, he was clutching onto me like his life depended on it.

"𝘐'𝘭𝘭 𝘭𝘦𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘤𝘩𝘰𝘰𝘴𝘦, 𝘪𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘥𝘰𝘯'𝘵 𝘴𝘢𝘺 𝘢𝘯𝘺𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨, 𝘐- 𝘐'𝘭𝘭 𝘨𝘰"

"𝘔𝘢𝘳𝘬? 𝘋𝘰 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘤𝘩𝘰𝘴𝘦 𝘮𝘦?"

Why did I ignore the hurt in his voice.

𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙨 𝙞𝙨 𝙬𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙄 𝙬𝙖𝙣𝙩𝙚𝙙, 𝙧𝙞𝙜𝙝𝙩? 

𝙄 𝙝𝙖𝙙 𝙩𝙤 𝙙𝙤 𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙨 𝙩𝙤 𝙢𝙖𝙠𝙚 𝙞𝙩, 𝙧𝙞𝙜𝙝𝙩?

He let go of my hands, lifeless, defeated, I almost wanted to chase for his hands, to feel his hands back on mine again, tightly clasped together. Almost.

"𝘐'𝘮 𝘨𝘰𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘣𝘢𝘤𝘬 𝘵𝘰 𝘊𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘢 𝘵𝘰𝘮𝘮𝘰𝘳𝘰𝘸"

Then he walked away from me.

I wanted to reach out.

"𝘙𝘦𝘯-"

My eyes shot wide open, I'm back in my hotel room, the sun barely shining, I'm no longer in SM Entertainment's dorm rooms from six years ago, I look out the large windows and I see New York City, sparkling with lights and skyscraper jungles as far as the eye can see.

I'm stuck in that frozen lake, and someday I'll drown when the ice melts and it's my fault.

"jun."

**Author's Note:**

> hello! I am back ! here's some stuff I left out bc I didn't know where to insert them👉🏻👈🏻
> 
> •mark and renjun got together at age 15(quite young I know, but you'd shit on me if you knew how old I was when I got my first s/o)  
> •they've known each other for 5 years before that  
> •renjun gets kicked out at age 18  
> •mark debuts at 19  
> •mark is currently 23
> 
> anyway mark has not said renjun's name at all until the end where he's in a dream and he says ren then wakes up and says jun, the full name doesn't count bc he didn't say it himself 🥳 it adds to the ~effect~✨ I guess


End file.
